Purging the Soul Chronicles:Part 1 – Sixth Grade Running and Abandonment: An Introduction

It’s been more than a couple of days since the first post on this topic and to tell you the truth I’ve been dreading writing anymore about it. Not because I’m “embarrassed” but because I would rather hide from it some than drudge up old feelings and memories.

What changed and why I’m writing this now is because I just ended up straining an adductor muscle on my left leg, can’t run as a result and have been very depressed and angry about it. You see through the last 3 years of running I have come across numerous epiphanies; one being how very much I miss running, training and competing. And now as far as running goes I can do none of those things right now!

Back in the day, 6^th grade that is I was known as the weird kid with the thick rimmed glasses whose lenses changed when you went in the sun and oh yes; we must not forget the silver cap on my front tooth. Skateboarding, small pebbles and my face didn’t mix very well and the result was the loss of most of my tooth. What I was good at was running and loved when we had to do the mile for gym class. Bring it on! For that 6 minutes I was free…and the best. It was better than kickball, dodgeball, basketball  or any other “ball” out there.

This was my introduction to all things running, track, cross country, the word fartlek (google it) and intervals (again…google it). 7^th grade & 8^th grade came and went and so do my ackwardness and the shit every junior higher goes through. Running and cross country were my favorite things to do during this time and proved to be my outlet although at the time I didn’t understand that.  I could have been on varsity my 8^th grade year but was held back due to my “unreadiness”. 

All through my life I’ve felt as if people keep talking for me and trying to figure out things for me. It reminds me of a quote I read in my hometown’s local newspaper this past week.  A first time state track & field runner in the open 400 meter was highlighted. He raced a 52 second 400 and ultimately finished 14^th at state. My former coach was quoted as saying “he has the raw talent and potential to be an excellent runner it’s up to him to either do it or not” – it’s the same line I was given numerous times and one I hated but didn’t know why until I became an adult. You know why I hated it?

After reading that I said, “it’s NOT up to him! Alone at least, I mean where’s the mental aspect of coaching, where’s the leadership and mentorship from a coach?! It’s is NOT up to him only if he is to make it or fulfill any potential that his raw, natural talent provides him.” I looked up from the paper and noticed I had ranted about it out loud and my brothers & sister-in-laws were looking at me in somewhat of an “okay crazy whatevs” kind of way. What I realized is that I had said that in defense of teenage Keith.  To this day I am still not okay with how I feel I was abandoned by my dad, mom, coach and by friends to a lesser degree.

You see it is up to the athlete to want to do his sport of choice. If a 6’ 9” 205lb dude wants to play lead flute instead of basketball then by all means no amount of coaching or basketball mentorship will aid him in fulfilling that sports potential. After all, he doesn’t want it!

But let’s take this kid from Mt. Lake track & field shall we? In his first year running the open 400 he went 52 seconds at State. Now that is potential! That is raw talent!  Now what if it was up to him? All of it, the off season training, the self-support at home, the mental side of being or at the very least attempting to be an all state track star, etc. Would a teenager be able to manage the commitment, the effort, the work, the stress & nerves and so forth? Or would he possibly crumble, quit or worse (in my mind) never get faster or slower.

I went through some rough times as a teenager and running should have been my outlet. Instead it slowly became another thing, another stressor to deal with alongside a plethora of other issues to manage in and out of my home life and I felt as if my coach crossed his fingers and hoped he wouldn’t have to help me and that it would all just work out. I felt abandoned.

Here is a guy (me) who is being told he could be the #1 cross country runner in Minnesota, a potential collegiate champion & all-american but never told, taught or shown just how to do that! Of course during a short high school cross country season we did our workouts and training but there is so much more to being a champion than just doing your training sessions.

While this post is somewhat fragmented I hope you are starting to understand where I am going with this. The 6^th grader whose innocence and fast gym mile got him interested in running cross country and the slide to eventually leaving UW-La Crosse & the national championship cross country team 8 weeks into being a freshman and then the disappearance of dreams and running altogether for more than a decade.

What happened? Why didn’t I save myself?  Why did I quit? Why did I never live up to my potential? While I do blame others I also understand my part in it as well.  In Part 2 I’d like to expand on my part in failure as well as why I believe others are to blame too.

No one said purging your soul was easy and I’m beginning to understand just how difficult it’s going to be to do such a thing, communicate it properly and be open with it as well. Thanks for your time.

Purging The Soul Chronicles

Prologue

I was once the number one ranked cross country runner in Minnesota but promise and potential will only get an athlete so far.  My story, my past is full of regrets and heartache; from the could-have-beens to the should-have-beens and depression which was the glue that tied it all together.  This big gooey mess has resided in the pit of my soul for fifteen+ years now and it is time to let it go.

I am really not quite sure what it was about running in high school I didn’t like. I was fast, really fast and I did like racing but I hated training.  4:20 miles were not uncommon and sub-2 minute 800 meter races were common place.  I was a fantastic cross country runner and could destroy every course and every runner I stepped up against. So why did I hate training? Why did I not do enough during my off seasons and summers to get better, be better?  Why did depression, low self-esteem and worth rear their ugly heads during my teenage years? Running should have counteracted those negatives; well you would have thought anyways. But it didn’t and running became something to do because I HAD to and not necessarily something I wanted to do.

Injury, fear, low confidence in myself and a misplaced identity set up a heartache of a senior year race season and one that to this day I still have a tough time thinking about.

Every couple of days and in the next few posts I hope to chronicle this purging, if you will, of my soul in an attempt to relinquish this hold that fear has bound me with and move forward with my goals. I hope that you will read my story and hit me back with some feedback and comments too.

Till next time.

Twin Cities Triathlon Race Report

Wow, what an improvement in just 4 weeks!  This weekend’s race, The Twin Cities Triathlon, was the inaugural event put on by Optum Performance at Harriet Island in Downtown St. Paul.  Let me start this off by saying it down poured the night before the race and I thought to myself “fantastic, it’s going to be cold and rainy in the morning, isn’t it?” See I don’t do well when it’s cold. And yes this means winter sucks here in Minnesota but when I talk about cold in the middle of summer, I am talking about 65 degrees!  I would rather be enveloped in a nice 80 degree, tropical blanket of a dewpoint of 70 all year round!



286 Baby! Shivering at the start, which was delayed.

But the rain was done by in the early morning hours and the sun rose with some cloud cover that eventually dissipated as the race went on.

That River Is Fast!

Swimming like a fish!

I did the sprint tri race which is a .3 mile swim/14 mile bike/3.1 mile run and usually these are held at lakes all across the world. What made this swim actually fun (I am furthest from a fish as you can get) was that we swam downstream in the Mississippi for the first leg.  My average time for this swim distance is around 8 minutes and here, in the river, I came in at 4 minutes, 43 seconds!  Now while this is technically a PR (personal record) it can’t really be used as such because in a lake I’ll never (well; maybe shouldn’t say never) touch this again!

Where The H*** Did These Hills Come From?!

Transition 1 (swim to bike) was faster than it has been before or in practice but there is room for improvement.  So we get on our bikes and head out onto the course. I had rode the course the week before so I knew what we all were up against but in a race setting it got a little tougher than I expected. Looking up the infamous (as I will put it) Ohio Street hill was like looking up Alpe d'huez! There was absolutely no relief throughout the course and finding some momentum was extremely difficult and challenging.  Now don’t get me wrong that was fun but it was no cake walk either! Up , down, false flats and then crazy descents and then all of a sudden a 10% grade ascent….pretty much the entire way.  But I survived the 14 mile course in 40 minutes, 29 seconds at an average speed of 20.4 mph.  What was insanely fun was cruising one of the descents at over 45 mph!  That was fun and a huge relief after all of the climbing on the course route.

Off of bike into transition 2, heading out for a run

More D*** Hills!

So I come racing into transition 2 and was determined to get out onto the run course as fast as I possibly could and I have to say it was an extremely fast transition. Fast enough(43 seconds from the time you get off your bike to the moment you hit the run course, including changing into running shoes, racking bike and taking off your helmet, etc) to make the top 10 overall for transition 2, out of 127 competitors. The run was challenging too as we were led unto the Wabasha Street bridge, which is a pretty decent incline leading into the heart of St. Paul, and then the course took a hard right down 2^nd street to Shepard Road.  It was challenging, fun and by this time the sun was out and it was a nice, beautiful Sunday morning to be a racing!  My time for the 5k run was slower than I thought it would be. I came in at 19 minutes, 40 seconds or 6:21/mile average. With all the hills in the bike and run courses I can’t be disappointed with this either.

Skyline view @ the finish!

Overall, it was great morning and a fantastic result for my 2^nd triathlon of this year & the first “season” of racing in nearly 15 years.  I want to thank those who got up at the crack a** of dawn to come see me race and cheer me on.  My parents and our neighbor and friend Andy with his two young daughters.  Who I later found out were playing triathlon in the backyard that afternoon! Awesome! Our friends Erin, Melissa and Dan and of course my lovely wife, Aubrey; whom without her support I couldn’t get back to racing and our daughter, Amelia!  Just a side note but worth writing; we have to hide the cowbell from her otherwise she keeps cheering us on….ALL DAY!

People came to cheer me on!

Oh yeah, stats. Total time: 1 hour, 6 minutes & 49 seconds.  I was 7^th overall (out of 127) and was on the podium with 3^rd place in my age group!  The top 3 in my age group (30-35) were all within 20 seconds of each other. I had shaved off a 2 minute advantage by 1^st place in the run…just needed another mile to win but alas, I ran out course to run! My run was the 3^rd fastest run split overall (out of 127) and as I said earlier, I had the 9^th fastest split in transition 2.

Podiums! Green shirt is me!

Well, time to stop writing and get out on the bike for a 150 minute ride. Those miles won’t do themselves!  I have a 4 week block of training here before the Maple Grove Olympic Triathlon is upon us, August 27^th at Weaver Lake Park. It is a huge event with (dare I say) 1000 competitors and a world ranked professional heat as well.  Chris “MACCA” McCormack, 2X Kona IronMan Champion and ITU World Champion, is going to be there racing. Oh I wish I was a spectator so I could see that mother race! Gonna be sweet!

 2011 Twin City Tri Race Results Page

Well, until later, thanks for checking in and keep staying active!

The reason I TRI, my wife, Aubrey and our daughter, Amelia!