It’s been more than a couple of days since the first post on
this topic and to tell you the truth I’ve been dreading writing anymore about
it. Not because I’m “embarrassed” but because I would rather hide from it some
than drudge up old feelings and memories.
What changed and why I’m writing this now is because I just
ended up straining an adductor muscle on my left leg, can’t run as a result and
have been very depressed and angry about it. You see through the last 3 years
of running I have come across numerous epiphanies; one being how very much I
miss running, training and competing. And now as far as running goes I can do
none of those things right now!
Back in the day, 6th grade that is I was known as
the weird kid with the thick rimmed glasses whose lenses changed when you went
in the sun and oh yes; we must not forget the silver cap on my front tooth. Skateboarding,
small pebbles and my face didn’t mix very well and the result was the loss of
most of my tooth. What I was good at was running and loved when we had to do
the mile for gym class. Bring it on! For that 6 minutes I was free…and the
best. It was better than kickball, dodgeball, basketball or any other “ball” out there.
This was my introduction to all things running, track, cross
country, the word fartlek (google it) and intervals (again…google it). 7th
grade & 8th grade came and went and so do my ackwardness and the
shit every junior higher goes through. Running and cross country were my
favorite things to do during this time and proved to be my outlet although at
the time I didn’t understand that. I
could have been on varsity my 8th grade year but was held back due
to my “unreadiness”.
All through my life I’ve felt as if people keep talking for
me and trying to figure out things for me. It reminds me of a quote I read in
my hometown’s local newspaper this past week.
A first time state track & field runner in the open 400 meter was
highlighted. He raced a 52 second 400 and ultimately finished 14th
at state. My former coach was quoted as saying “he has the raw talent and
potential to be an excellent runner it’s up to him to either do it or not” – it’s
the same line I was given numerous times and one I hated but didn’t know why
until I became an adult. You know why I hated it?
After reading that I said, “it’s NOT up to him! Alone at
least, I mean where’s the mental aspect of coaching, where’s the leadership and
mentorship from a coach?! It’s is NOT up to him only if he is to make it or
fulfill any potential that his raw, natural talent provides him.” I looked up from
the paper and noticed I had ranted about it out loud and my brothers &
sister-in-laws were looking at me in somewhat of an “okay crazy whatevs” kind
of way. What I realized is that I had said that in defense of teenage Keith. To this day I am still not okay with how I
feel I was abandoned by my dad, mom, coach and by friends to a lesser degree.
You see it is up to the athlete to want to do his sport of
choice. If a 6’ 9” 205lb dude wants to play lead flute instead of basketball
then by all means no amount of coaching or basketball mentorship will aid him
in fulfilling that sports potential. After all, he doesn’t want it!
But let’s take this kid from Mt. Lake track & field
shall we? In his first year running the open 400 he went 52 seconds at State.
Now that is potential! That is raw talent!
Now what if it was up to him? All of it, the off season training, the
self-support at home, the mental side of being or at the very least attempting
to be an all state track star, etc. Would a teenager be able to manage the commitment,
the effort, the work, the stress & nerves and so forth? Or would he
possibly crumble, quit or worse (in my mind) never get faster or slower.
I went through some rough times as a teenager and running
should have been my outlet. Instead it slowly became another thing, another
stressor to deal with alongside a plethora of other issues to manage in and out
of my home life and I felt as if my coach crossed his fingers and hoped he
wouldn’t have to help me and that it would all just work out. I felt abandoned.
Here is a guy (me) who is being told he could be the #1
cross country runner in Minnesota, a potential collegiate champion &
all-american but never told, taught or shown just how to do that! Of course
during a short high school cross country season we did our workouts and
training but there is so much more to being a champion than just doing your
training sessions.
While this post is somewhat fragmented I hope you are
starting to understand where I am going with this. The 6th grader
whose innocence and fast gym mile got him interested in running cross country
and the slide to eventually leaving UW-La Crosse & the national
championship cross country team 8 weeks into being a freshman and then the disappearance
of dreams and running altogether for more than a decade.
What happened? Why didn’t I save myself? Why did I quit? Why did I never live up to my
potential? While I do blame others I also understand my part in it as
well. In Part 2 I’d like to expand on my
part in failure as well as why I believe others are to blame too.
No one said purging your soul was easy and I’m beginning to
understand just how difficult it’s going to be to do such a thing, communicate
it properly and be open with it as well. Thanks for your time.
